


Sirius and Jamie's No Kiss List

by WritesEveryBlueMoon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Denial of Feelings, Everyone's bi, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fake/Pretend Secret Relationship, Female James Potter, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Pining, Secret Relationship, Swearing, This Is STUPID, refusing to admit it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29161830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritesEveryBlueMoon/pseuds/WritesEveryBlueMoon
Summary: “Well, if you’re so sure you have no feelings for Lily, you won’t care if we add her to the No Kiss List.”Jamie glared, “In that case, we should also add Remus, seeing how certain you are that we’re all ‘just friends’.”“Fine then,” Sirius replied sulkily.“Fine.”
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30
Collections: Fem! Jily





	Sirius and Jamie's No Kiss List

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FrustratedPoet1979](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrustratedPoet1979/gifts).



> After Trish mentioned watching 'Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List', (bad movie, can't say I recommend) I was inspired to write the concept in a way I liked better, combining it with the inspiration of the fem!jily fest/Valentine's Day. It got a bit carried away from me in the end, but I hope it's still a fun read!

“Jamie, the doorbell’s ringing!”

“I’ll be there in a minute!”

“It’s still ringing!”

“Just give me a minute, Pads!”

“Still ringing!”

“Just let me finish doing my hair, I want to look good for that cute pizza guy!”

Sirius perked up, “What, is it Frank again?”

“Yeah, I recognised his voice when I buzzed him in.”

“Well, I’m happy to answer if it’s someone as hot as him!” Sirius cackled as he pulled himself up from the sofa and made to answer the door.

“Oi Pads, no fair, get back here!”

“Snooze ya lose, Prongsie!”

Jamie stumbled into the room, struggling somewhat as she was wearing a striking but impractical dress, with her hair pulled into a messy bun and light makeup to emphasise her eyes.

The two rushed to unlock the apartment door, where a tired Frank stood with two lukewarm pizzas.

“Hi Frank,” Sirius leant against the doorframe and gave him a charming smile.

“Sorry about the wait,” Jamie said sweetly, running her hand through her hair and accidentally ruining her bun.

“No problem,” Frank responded flatly, “That’ll be £25.99.

They all stood for a moment, before Jamie took the pizzas and, smirking at Sirius, said, “I believe it’s your turn to pay.”

 _“Fine_ ,” Sirius gave an exaggerated sigh. After dealing with the payment, he winked at Frank and said, “Always a pleasure to see you.”

“Have a nice evening.” Frank replied shortly, promptly leaving.

* * *

“Well, that was a disaster.” Jamie declared as they lay on the sofa eating pizza, her cute dress and make up discarded for far-comfier sweatpants and a hoodie.

“Yeah, we can pretty safely say that,” Sirius agreed. “I think you know what we need to do.”

“No kiss list?” Jamie asked resignedly.

“No kiss list.” 

Ever since the two had come out to each other, back at age thirteen, they’d agreed on a tactic to ensure their friendship remained undisturbed by any matters of the heart: the No Kiss List.

If, at any point, it transpired there was a person they were both attracted to, that person would be put on the No Kiss List, and was off-limits for romantic pursuit from either. It had worked beautifully for the last six years, as no crush had ever been as important as their friendship. Of course, the fact that they were both rather useless with any romantic pursuits was rather helpful.

* * *

Naturally, such a set up was doomed to fail eventually, and this inevitability came with the establishment of Hogwarts University’s Valentine Chocolate Stall, run by Lily Evans and Remus Lupin. Two very attractive people, particularly admired by Jamie Potter and Sirius Black.

“My bet’s on the two of you being together by Valentine’s Day,” Sirius smirked to Jamie, gesturing to Lily. 

Rolling her eyes, Jamie retorted, “I think you’re looking too much into it.”

“What, are you nervous because you know I flirt far better than you?”

She burst out laughing, “As if!”

Sirius gasped in mock-offense, “I will have you know that I am an incredibly charming, handsome -”

“- and very modest,” Jamie cut in teasingly, ignoring the resulting glare.

“Well, if you’re so wonderful, why don’t you go chat to Evans?”

“I will, if you insist,” she laughed, and strolled towards the unusually quiet stall.

Upon seeing Jamie, the redheaded young woman who had been setting out chocolates gave a wave. 

“Alright Evans?” she leant against the counter, running a hand through her long curly black hair and grinning.

Lily rolled her eyes fondly, “Hey Jamie.”

“How’s the Biology going?” 

“Dull as ever, almost makes me glad to be dealing with lil shits like you here,” Lily said amusedly, no malice behind her words.

“How you wound me!” Jamie in such a tone that they both found themselves in a fit of giggles. 

“To tell you the truth, Slughorn is the worst part of this degree,” said Lily, letting her laughter calm down a bit, “I swear he’s conspiring to gain my loyalty for life.”

Jamie snorted, “Sounds like he would hate hanging out with me.”

“Oh I wouldn’t be so sure, I bet that it would take him less than five minutes to invite you to the Slug Club.”

“The what?”

“It’s this party he hosts twice a month, and invites only his favourite students to.”

“Are professors even allowed to do that?”

“I mean, they shouldn’t be, but to be honest I don’t think anyone can be bothered to argue with Slughorn about it.”

“Yeesh, he sounds like the worst.”

“He is, but he’s also harmless,” Lily shrugged. “I hope you weren’t planning to buy anything, by the way, we’re actually completely sold out.”

“Well, in that case, you’re lucky I just came for the pleasure of talking to you,” said Jamie, running her hand through her hair again.

“Glad to hear you enjoy my company.”

* * *

“Oh, you totally have a thing for her,” Sirius said to his best mate as he boiled the kettle to make them both ramen noodles.

Jamie laughed, “You’re looking into things way too much.”

“Please, you haven’t seen the two of you when you talk to each other.”

“Even if that was true, which it’s not, you can hardly talk. You clearly are still as much of a sap as ever for Remus.”

“Please, you knew us back in the day, we’re all just good friends.”

“You told me yourself that you had a gigantic crush on him.”

Sirius gave a dismissive hand wave, “That was back as a teenager. We’re just friends now.”

Jamie snorted, “I don’t know why you’re so determined to deny that I am right.”

“And you’re too stubborn to admit you like Lily.”

“I don’t, it’s just harmless fun between us!”

“Well, if you’re so sure you have no feelings for Lily, you won’t care if we add her to the No Kiss List.” 

Jamie glared, “In that case, we should also add Remus, seeing how certain you are that we’re all ‘just friends’.”

“Fine then,” Sirius replied sulkily.

“Fine.” 

* * *

Despite this firm resolution, both Sirius and Jamie continued visiting the Valentine Chocolate stall at least twice a day, and both talked for far too long with Remus and Lily respectively.

Now, the No Kiss List may have bound the two of them from pursuing their love interests further, but Lily Evans had very different intentions. Inevitably, the day came that Jamie was chatting with her as she cleared up for the night, and she asked in an unmistakably flirtatious voice, “Care to walk back with me, Jamie?”

Jamie, who was completely confident with flirting until it was returned, froze up. Eventually, conscious of Lily’s gaze, she fumbled out; “Sure, I would like that very much indeed,” with an awkward laugh to top it off.

“Great,” Lily beamed, “I’ll just get my stuff.”

“Cool, no hurry,” Jamie gave her finger guns, before cringing slightly at her own action and returning to running her hand through her hair.

After Lily rejoined her, the two walked through the quiet streets hand-in-hand, chatting lightly as they went along. Eventually they came upon a very unique fountain, with colored lights tinting the water. Lily stopped, pulling Jamie by their joined hands to come and admire it.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” the lights reflected in her green eyes to create something of a rainbow, and Jamie found herself unable to look away.

“Yeah…” she murmured, “Stunning…”

Lily turned to look her in the eyes with a wicked grin, and daringly moved closer.

“You know,” she said mock-thoughtfully, “I’ve been putting in so much effort running this Valentine’s Stall, that I find myself completely missing any Valentine’s date.”

“Oh?” Jamie asked, cheeks scarlet.

“It would be rather nice to spend the day with someone, if they were interested...”

“Any such people in mind?” Jamie attempted to be smooth, but her nerves prevented her from appearing so.

“Yes, I do have one person,” Lily grinned, leaning in so close their foreheads were almost touching, “Care to be my Valentine’s Date, Potter?”

“I.. oh fuck it, hell yeah,” Jamie said, and found herself pulled into a kiss.

* * *

“You know,” Jamie mused the next day, as she and Lily were cuddling in bed together, “Sirius is going to be so fucking smug when he hears about us.”

“Mhm?” Lily made an indiscernible sound into Jamie’s hair.

“This is technically forbidden, under the rules of our No Kiss List.”

Lily laughed, “Your what?”

“A list of people both of us fancy, and thus can’t romantically pursue for the sake of our friendship.”

“Aw, I’m flattered you’re both so smitten with me.”

“Mmm, you and Remus are more on there because we didn’t want to admit the other was right,” Jamie smirked, and Lily giggled.

“Remus would be horrified to learn he’s on any ban list, especially one from Sirius. Maybe once we tell them, he’ll actually fess up about his feelings.”

“I don’t know, it could be fun to see how long it takes them to do it on their own....”

“You _really_ don’t want Sirius to know he’s right, huh?” Lily teased.

“I mean obviously I’m willing to make the sacrifice, if you’re not comfortable,” Jamie rushed to add.

“No, it could be fun,” Lily’s eyes sparkled. “Keeping everything secret. Seeing how many kisses we can sneak behind their backs.”

“I’m very favourable to the snogging,” Jamie smirked.

“Brilliant, though maybe we should get in some practice…?” she winked.

“Oh, definitely, we don’t want our snogging to be second-rate.”

“Exactly,” Lily whispered, as Jamie pulled her into her arms.

* * *

“I swear, Prongs and Lily are going to be the death of me,” Remus sighed as him and Sirius shared a milkshake while watching the two women shamelessly flirt.

Sirius snorted, “Jamie’s just too stubborn to admit I’m right.”

“You’ve pointed out that her and Lily are incredibly obvious?”

“Many, many times. They are both about as subtle as rainbow fireworks, but have the audacity to comment on my love life.”

“Your love life?” 

“I’ve just got an unattainable crush, and she’s insufferable about it.”

“Oh, right,” said Remus, relieved.

“Still, I’m going to need a pillow to scream into if her and Lily keep this up.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me if they were already dating and just unwilling to admit it.” Remus jokingly suggested.

“Ye bloody gods Moony, I think you might be right.”

He laughed, “Well, if that is the case, we have to get them back somehow.”

Now, however much he may have denied it to Jamie, and even to an extent himself, Sirius Black was a man in love. And men in love often suggest stupid things.

“We should start acting just like they do,” Sirius grinned, “All sappy and whatnot. See how long it takes them to point it out, and when they do throw it right back at them.”

“You mean like… pretend to date?” Remus asked, flummoxed.

“Pretend to be _secretly dating_ , like Jamie and Lily-pad are so clearly doing right now.”

No reasonable person would ever agree to this prospect. No person who was not already head over heels in love would even consider taking part in such a scheme. However, when it came to Sirius Black, Remus happened to be neither of these things, and thus his response was;

“Alright then, lets have some fun with this.”

“Excellent!” Sirius gave a cheshire cat grin, and casually threw his arm around Remus’s shoulders.

* * *

“Do you think they know they’re in love?” Lily asked contemplatively as they watched Remus and Sirius avidly engage each other in conversation, having sped ahead on their walk.

“Undoubtedly. I’ve told Sirius enough times that he can’t ignore it.”

Lily burst out laughing, “The two of you… You really are like siblings.”

“I don’t know, I feel like siblings would actually listen to each other occasionally.”

“Oh, I can assure you, they don’t.”

“Well, I feel like Petunia is a special case.”

“Not in this respect. How did he react when you told him?”

“Complete denial. He either genuinely doesn’t want to admit it to himself, or he’s too stubborn to admit I’m right.”

“My money’s on it being a mix of both,” Lily smirked, leaning her head against Jamie as they walked at a relaxed pace.

Jamie returned the gesture, before mumbling somewhat worriedly, “Do you think they suspect we’re together?”

“Oh, no doubt they do. But they can hardly say anything without being fucking hypocrites.”

Jamie grinned, “I love you.”

* * *

“Did you see their faces?” Sirius burst out laughing as him and Remus stumbled back into the apartment, which they had to themselves thanks to Lily and Jamie staying at Lily’s house to ‘study’ (everyone avoided mentioning that their degrees weren’t even in the same field).

“They definitely believe the scheme,” Remus laughed lightly.

“I say this calls for pizza,” Sirius grinned. “Your favourite still the cursed one with pineapple?”

“It tastes amazing and I will defend it to the grave.”

“Well you are my pretend secret boyfriend, I’ll let it go this once. Make yourself at home in the meantime.”

As he went to a separate room to order, Remus sat on the sofa, and noticed a very old, crinkled piece of paper sitting on the coffee table.

  


Sirius and Jamie's No Kiss List  
• Marlene McKinnon  
• Joe who we see at the supermarket sometimes  
• Mary MacDonald  
• Adam who hangs out at the park  
• Hot Cashier at Diagon Cafe  
• Cody King  
• Lucinda Talkalot  
• Emma Vanity  
• Kingsley  
• ~~Gilderoy Lockhart~~ \- no one should stoop to this level, even as a joke  
• Adrian  
• Frank the Pizza Guy  
• Lily Evans (because Prongs is too stubborn to admit she's in love)  
• Remus Lupin (because Sirius won't admit he still has feelings for him)  


  


Remus stared at the paper for several minutes in confusion. He wondered if this was some kind of weird joke, yet, against his better judgement, hoped it might actually be true.

“Sorry about the wait,” Sirius finally returned. “Frank’s got something of a grudge against us. You alright?” he added, upon hearing no response from Remus.”

“Hmm…oh yes, completely,” Remus nodded unconvincingly. “Just wondering...” he held up the List, “What is this?”

Sirius stared at it for a moment. “Oh _shit._ ”

He sighed and collapsed on the sofa, gesturing for Remus to join him. “Okay, so it’s a bit of a long story. Back when Jamie and I were just young, chaotic bisexual souls, we decided that the best way to maintain our friendship would be to eliminate any romantic interests who may stand between us. We kept a list, which Prongs nicknamed the ‘No Kiss List’. Not my preference, but it stuck.”

Remus nodded slowly, “Okay… what does it mean with mine and Lily’s names?”

Sirius looked a tad embarrassed, “Err… Me and Jamie may have been rather… insistent to each other that the other had feelings for the two of you, and your names were added to the list in a weird attempt to prove a point to each other.”

“So… is it just Jamie making things up when it says ‘still has feelings’?”

“Well, I’m sure you were well aware of this, but I had a ginormous crush on you back in school.”

Remus’s mouth fell open slightly, “I… was not. Honestly, I just thought it was wishful thinking.”

“What, don’t tell me you were head over heels as well,” Sirius’s words were teasing, but his tone was not so.

“I most definitely was,” Remus attempted to sound like these words didn’t take extreme confidence. “Still am, to be completely honest.”

“Well, good, because I happen to feel the exact same way.”

“We really are such idiots, pining after each other for so long.”

“Well, looks like we need to make up for some lost time,” Sirius winked.

* * *

A week later, as they were clearing up the Valentine’s Chocolate Stall, Sirius decided that now was as good a time as ever for everyone to come clean.

“Right, listen up!” he announced, “Enough is enough; Remus and I aren’t pretending to secretly date anymore” - Jamie spluttered from shock and amusement - “and we know the two of you are together. It’s time to forget our stupid No Kiss List bullshit.”

Jamie, unfortunately, was still recovering from the hilarity of the ‘Fake Secretly Dating’ news to truly appreciate what Sirius was trying to announce. “You two… _pretended to be secretly in a relationship…_ ” she wheezed.

“Hush, Jamie,” Lily said, though she was also holding back laughter of her own. 

“To be fair, you two can hardly talk. Your attempts to hide your relationship were pitiful at best,” said Remus. 

“Only because we knew you two wouldn’t have any good defence,” Lily retorted.

“Okay, okay,” Jamie finally cut into the conversation, “we’re all telling the truth now. I think we can safely say that the No Kiss List is, for the time being at least, retired. Okay?”

There was a chorus of agreement.

“Now that’s sorted, anyone up for an impromptu double date to the movies?” Sirius suggested casually.

Jamie grinned, “Sounds perfect.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this absolute ridiculousness, please leave kudos/comments! If you want to come scream about these idiots with me, I can be found on my tumblr @imaginejily, and various discord servers.


End file.
